All Your Favourite Animes, in a Blender, on Crack
by theScribe
Summary: The Devil's Dandruff now has three chapters to turn your lead into gold and anime into a stew of hilarity
1. It All Goes To Hell

Chapter One : It all goes to hell  
  
It was a bright and sunny morning in Tokyo 3. The Geofront was incredibly peaceful, considering the charred remains of the angels were blocking traffic and stinking up the place. Some birds were singing, the temperature was soaring, and there was a general feeling of peace in the air. Shinji Ikari and Asuka were sitting down to a good wholesome breakfast. The beauty of the morning had rubbed off on Asuka, who hadn't smacked Shinji once in the half hour she'd been up. All was well, then, the hateful alarm clock sounded in Misato's room, and a shadow was cast over the sun.  
  
The young drunkard was quite rudely stirred from her bed of beer cans and asprin bottles. She stumbled from her room, grasping the walls for support. Her headache pounded in her skull like a jackhammer. Misato managed to make it to the kitchen table before falling on her face, and demanded that Shinji get her a beer. He did this, quite happy in his work, for he felt that nothing could spoil the feeling of the morning. Katsuraga grasped the can with shaky fingers, her motor control still impaired from her activities the preceding night, of which she had no memory, nor wished to remember. She looked around the room for someone to help her open her beer, but knew that neither Shinji nor Asuka would sympathize with her disorder. Suddenly, an idea painfully sprouted in her remaining brain cells.   
  
"Hey," Misato mumbled to the writer of this fic.  
  
"Uh, yeah?" he replied, sort of confused.  
  
"If you open this, I'll let you burp have one."  
  
"Uh, ok," he replied to his fiction. He took the beer can, and another for himself, from Misato and her fully stocked freezer. His dexterous, completely sober fingers got to work immediately and cracked open the two cans, handing one back to Misato. "To your health," he toasted. The two of them took a slug of the Mr. Pibbs brand beer. Misato got a lovely glow on her face. The writer, on the other hand, spit out the refuse he had just ingested into his incredibly pure body. "What the hell is that?"  
  
"Beer, dumb ass."  
  
"This is some nasty shit, Katsuragi."  
  
"Well screw you too!" Misato returned, feeling insult to her best friend in the whole world, her booze.  
  
"What?" Shinji and Asuka both asked, confused.  
  
"This bastard writer just wasted good beer, then he dared to insult it."  
  
"What writer?" Shinji inquired.  
  
"That one," she said, pointing to the writer, typing this fic.  
  
"Right, whatever," Asuka interrupted, stifling Shinji's questions. "It's better if we just drop this now," she whispered to the other pilot.  
  
"You want somethin' good?" Misato asked the writer.  
  
"Yeah, what you got?"  
  
Misato searched through the freezer, looking desperately for something to feed this insulting bastard. She found some ramen in a bowl, covered with freezer wrap, and freezer burn, as well as a near empty bottle of god-knows-what, some bacon bits, left over pizza, and baking sugar. All this was mixed into Pen-Pen's bowl, and what was still in it. The hungry penguin protested with a few choice 'warks' then returned to his place in the freezer.   
  
"That it?" the writer asked, defiantly.  
  
"Damn you," she shot back, and ran to her car. In the glove box she found a plastic bag filled with multi-coloured candy … or pills … or something. She ran back to the house and dumped them on top of the mixture, for colour. "Fill your face with this you punk-baka!"  
  
"Uh, ok," the writer complied. He took a big wooden spoon, dunked it in the mix, and found that it burned the wood. "Damn, spoons is not good for this." He grabbed the bowl and began to slurp. In a little while, the bowl was empty, and the writer sat, staring into space. His eyes glazed over, and the world dissolved into nothingness.   
  
"Oh man," Katsuragi said in disbelief. "You weren't actually supposed to eat that stuff, just write that you did."  
  
The writer continued to stare catatonically.  
  
"Oh shit!" Misato began to panic. "Shit, shit shit! Nerv doesn't have insurance to cover this!"  
  
"What's the matter, Misato?" Shinji asked.  
  
"Shit, shit!"  
  
"What is it?" he asked again.  
  
"I think she's tripping," Asuka added.  
  
"Shut up, I don't need that right now!" Misato chastised the young German pilot. "Shinji, get that adreneline shot I keep in the freezer."   
  
"Uh, ok, but.."  
  
"Just DO IT!!"  
  
"Ok" Shinji handed Misato the large hyperdermic needle from the vegetable crisper in the refrigerator. She held it up in both hands, as if aiming. "Misato?" he asked. "Why does the wall need an adreneline shot?"  
  
"Oh crap, I can't do this," she said. "Shinji, you come here and do this."  
  
"But, I've never given a wall an adreneline shot.."  
  
"Oh shut up!" Misato was really loosing it now. "I'm gonna go to jail for murder, and Shinji and Asuka will end up living on the streets, selling themselves for money, and Pen-Pen will end up on E-Bay, and the angels will attack and the world will end and…"  
  
The writer blinked.  
  
"Oh! Yes! Do it again!"  
  
The writer blinked … again.  
  
"Oh, I think he's alright."  
  
The writer blinked … yet again, and opened his mouth. "Whow.."  
  
"Yeah! He's allright!" Misato yelled for joy.  
  
"Ok…" the writer mumbled. "Ok, yeah, itsprettycool, yeah! Okokokokokok, YEAH! FIRE!!!"  
  
"Uh oh." Misato got scared.  
  
"I'm gonna have to go with Misato on this one," Asuka interjected. "This is too weird to be hangover stuff."  
  
"YeahYahYah! Mrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm! Heh, itsprettycool. WeeeeeeeeeeAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
The writer spoke again, "I am your creator! You will bow down … to my bunghole!"  
  
They did as they were told.   
  
The writer looked from his computer screen, to his tv, to his cd player, to his collection of anime … to the blender. "Yeah! Pretty cool! Cool. FIRE!!!"  
  
"Nooooooooo!"  
  
To be continued...  
in Part 2: Misato is a Badman 


	2. Misato is a Bad Man

Legal Disclaimer: "I don't technically OWN anything, so don't bother suing me."  
  
  
All Your Favorite Animes in a Blender on Crack  
  
Chapter Two: Misato is a bad man  
  
  
"Here, Misato," Shinji said as he handed the shaking guardian a cup filled with a strange liquid.  
  
"Ok, thanks," she said, accepting the cup. Asuka wrapped the slightly tripping woman in a blanket from the couch.   
  
"Calm down," Asuka said.  
  
Misato took a swig from the cup, turned green, then spit it out. "What the hell is this?"  
  
"Coffee," Shinji answered.  
  
"Cof ... fee...?" Misato sat, stunned for a little while. "Coffee?!"  
  
"Yeah, coffee," Asuka told her. "We gotta get you sobered up so we can make it to Nerv on time for the Sinc tests."  
  
"What! Fear Me!" Misato went to the fridge, grabbed a beer and began to chug.   
  
Misato could feel the power of the ancients infuse her with force. The blood began to boil in her veins, and her hair went solid cold. A great flame burst forth, and a Super Saiya-Jin was born.  
  
"Well, Vegeta, you ready to give us a lift?" Shinji asked.  
  
"What, I drive for no one!" the angered Saiya-Jin fired back in reply.  
  
"Just shut up and drive, pansy!" Asuka said, obviously ignorant to Vegeta's power.  
  
"What?!" he said, shocked by this woman's insolence. He became ... angered ... and punched a large whole in the wall. "Ona! How dare you tell me my business! Vegeta's SUPER BIG BANG ..."  
"All right, we'll take a bus," Shinji said, to avoid permanent injury. "But you'll miss out on all the fighting, and robots, and women, and explosives."  
  
"Explosives, you say..." Vegeta powered down and considered the possibilities of this. "I shall go to this Nerv, and there I'll wreck havoc on the world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"  
  
"Good, we only got, like, half and hour to get there."  
  
  
Shinji and Asuka sat quietly in the back seat, preying that they would make it to Nerv in one piece. Prince Vegeta sat behind the wheel of the sports car, cursing like a sailor out the window. It would seem that he had no respect for traffic laws or the other punk bakas who obeyed them. Many was the time they narrowly escaped the path of an oncoming vehicle.   
  
Just when the children thought that their situation couldn't get any worse, someone cut Vegeta off. They swerved to the side of the road, and there they stayed for a while...in silence.  
  
After a few minutes, the car started up again, and Vegeta began to give off a strange, angry glow. Slowly, at first, the red sports car eased its way back on to the highway, then it began to pick up speed. Vegeta was actually concentrating on NOT hitting anyone, just picking up speed. He was weaving in and out of lanes, between cars, like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. Soon, they could see the rear of the same car that had cut the prince off just a few moments ago...  
  
An evil grin spread across Vegeta's face.  
  
"Kame ," he shouted.  
  
"Crap, duck!" Shinji cried as he fumbled with the door handle, attempting to jump from the mobile death trap.  
  
"Hame," Vegeta continued.  
  
"I'm too young to get killed in a crappy story like this!" was Asuka's response to the horror unfolding around her.  
  
The car began too shake violently. The upholstery on the seats began to melt from the heat. The window's fogged up, and electrical equipment began to sizzle. Vegeta's power levels were peaking.  
  
"H - ," was all the enraged prince could get out before the familiar whine of sirens and a red-white-n-blue cop cruiser cut in front of them and drove the red sports car to the curb. There it stayed motionless, while the cop jotted down their license plate number and some other official cop stuff. Shinji and Asuka peeled melted seat cushions from their collective asses, while the pompous policeman casually strolled toward the stopped vehicle. They didn't want to know what Vegeta was doing, or brooding to do.  
  
The fat Japanese policeman finally made it to the driver's side window, and knocked on it with his ticket-writin' pen. Attempting to control his anger with a slight facial twitch, Vegeta daintily rolled down the little window. "Yes, officer?" he said in an innocent little voice.  
  
"Do you know how many safety and traffic laws you just violated on?" he barked out.  
  
"Why no, but, you see, I .." Vegeta was saying around the time Shinji stopped caring and tuned their chatter out. He was thinking about how he was going to get to Nerv before business as usual was interrupted. Then, a more important issue came to mind. How in the HELL was he going to get to Nerv alive, let alone a little late?  
  
The officer spent the better part of twenty minutes and two pads of paper writing down all of Vegeta's traffic violations, and their respective charges. "You really make me sick, you know that?" the officer said in a direct insult to Vegeta's honor. "Especially with children in the car." The 'child' remark sort of offended Asuka, but she was able to shrug it off. "Some father you are, endangering your son and his little girlfriend, when you should probably be chaperoning them, or at work, or something!" This was really a pool cue in their collective asses.   
  
"How dare he call me irresponsible, and imply that the little wimp in this car is my offspring?" Vegeta thought.  
  
"How dare he call me Shinji's girlfriend?" Asuka thought.  
  
"How dare he imply that I need a chaperone?" thought Shinji.  
  
"Here's your tickets, and I expect to see you in court!" the policeman remarked as he returned to his car. The engine started, and it pulled out in front of them, and took off.  
  
The trio sat, stunned at the big brass ones this little shit of a cop flashed around. Their engine started, and no one said a word. They pulled onto the road, and no one said a word. They pulled up behind the cop, tailing him, and no one breathed. At about eighty miles per hour, Vegeta looked to Asuka with a sympathetic look. Asuka looked at Shinji. Shinji, knowing exactly what was to come, and also knowing that it all lay on his decision, sighed ... and nodded.  
  
The evil grin returned to Vegeta's face.  
  
"... HHAAA!"  
  
The front end of the red sports car blew to pieces as Vegeta let loose a massive wave of Saya-Jin energy. The entire front half was completely removed, leaving Shinji safe in the back seat, and Asuka clinging to his ankles to keep from flying out the now extremely large, glass-less windshield. The car continued to skid along the road, doing about sixty, for what seemed like ever, with only the rear pair of wheels to roll on.  
  
The nuke-blast-white ball of energy rushed away from the decapitated car toward the cop cruiser. It impacted in the trunk, causing a massive rear explosion, launching the car skyward. While in flight, the flight attendants served little bags of peanuts and frosty cups of DEATH followed by well-shaken, not stirred, FIRE during the in-flight movie "Red Asphalt!" The fire from the trunk caught the gas tank, and the rest of the airborne cop car burst into a thousand funny looking pieces of charred metal.   
  
The remaining half of Misato's wonderful sport's car grinded along the pavement, past the wreckage of the cruiser, and into mainstream traffic. Many people rolled down their collective windows to wonder at the physics involved to keep half a car, on two wheels and the edge of a big hole, at the velocity needed to grind down the highway at almost seventy miles per hour. It was indeed mind-boggling. One car, containing some wise-ass teenagers out for a joyride, actually had the balls to yell to the pair of frightened children, "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Shinji stood up first, and put his head out the now massive sunroof, and shout back, "We're having an accident!" Then, for some unknown reason, he laughed. This confused the both of them, but upon examining their present situation, they agreed that it was kinda funny. "Send help!"  
  
Another car from behind them yelled, "Wahoo! Ride it!"  
  
"Dial 911! Please!"  
  
It took almost ten minutes of shouting and narrowly avoiding death before the half-a-car pulled into the slow lane and bumped against a guardrail to stop itself. The children remained in the car after it stopped, partly enjoying the warm sun, partly HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, DUH! It was Shinji who broke the silence, asking Asuka, "I wonder where Vegeta is."   
  
"I .. uh .. I don't know," she replied, still sort of shocked from the whole ordeal.  
  
A faint whistling was heard in the background.  
  
"What's that noise?" Shinji asked no one in particular.  
  
The noise grew louder, and they looked up into the sky to see a big, black-hared, angry, Saya-Jin air-to-surface missile bearing down on them.  
  
"It would seem that he was thrown from the car when it exploded," Asuka stated, feeling there was nothing better to do, and she was being controlled like a puppet on strings by an author far away whom you can neither see nor stop! FEAR ME!!!  
  
Anyway, they decided that the best thing to do was to move, so they did as the Prince Vegeta, son of Vegeta, from the planed Vegeta slammed into the earth, destroying a family of sedans as well as the family of sedan owners inside them. Vegeta stood up, calmly walked to the side of the road and said to the children, "Well, lets get to Nerv, shall we?" And he began to walk, his thumb prostrated in a hitching position.  
  
After an extremely long while in the warm sun, which was now a blistering hot pain in their collective asses, the terrible trio stumbled upon a subway access point, or a subway terminal for the uneducated. They bust in and loaded onto the train. Shinji and Asuka quickly claimed a pair of the bucket seats closest to the door. Vegeta swaggered onto the train, making his presence known to all the infidels in his way. After this recognition ceremony was over, he sat in the seat next to his small-fry companions.   
  
Vegeta had a good, long sit in the seat. He felt that the plastic subway seat might be on of mankind's greatest advancements. The seat was comfortable, and soft. He looked over to Shinji and Asuka, who were fidgeting in discomfort. "This is the kind of service a prince deserves, a soft cushion on their seats!"  
  
"Uh, Vegeta," Asuka started. "No one has cushions and no one brought cushions."  
  
"Well then, what do I have under my royal ass?" he questioned. He began to move his royal ass to investigate what it was resting on, but found that he could not. He tried again, harder this time, with some success: his ass did move, but soon sprang back into place. A third, exceptionally hard attempt had more success. His ass did move, but the ass of his pants did not. "Insolent seat! How dare you steal my trousers!"  
  
"The seat didn't take your pants, idiot," Shinji ventured. He reached out, lifting up the corner of the pant-ass. "This head-sized wad of gum did. You sat in it."  
  
Vegeta looked left, then right, then up and down, then at the seat of his pants, then at the seat of Vegeta, then at the seat of the subway. "... gum?"  
  
"Yeah, the gum stuck your pants to the seat."  
  
"What?! Militias gum! I shall kill thee until I get my pants from your grip!"  
  
"You can't kill gum," Asuka informed the prince of Vegeta. "It's an inanimate object or substance."  
  
"Nerv could do it," Shinji said. "We could take it to Nerv and splice/clone it with something more , uh, killable, for lack of a better word."  
  
"This Nerv is truly a great place. I'll go there to get you two off my tail, blow something up, and kill this gum to restore my glory!" Vegeta sat down, and spent the duration of the train ride in relative peace.  
  
The sun hung low in the early evening sky when the crew finally made it to their destination - the Nerv building. They walked in the figurative front door, greeted by an agitated Ritsuko and Gendo Ikari.   
  
Vegeta stepped forward. "I am Prince Vegeta, son of Vegeta, from the Planet Vegeta, and you will allow me to kill this!" he said, as he held out the seat of his pants, covered in multicolored chewing gum.  
  
"Damnit Misato, you gotta lay off the sauce," Ritsuko advised her.  
  
"Yeah, but ..." Misato looked around the room.  
  
Shinji scratched his chin.  
  
Asuka blinked.  
  
Ritsuko blinked.  
  
Gendo steepled his fingers.  
  
"Right," Misato said.  
  
"Hehehehehehehe"  
  
"Right, who said that!" Misato snapped. "Where are you?" She ran around the room, checking under things and over things, in between things and around things. She looked from Shinji to Asuka to Ritsuko to Gendo to the grinning, wise-ass author to the camera crew, to the ... wait a minute. "You're responsible for this, aren't you?"  
  
The cast just blinked at each other, then at Misato.  
  
"Maybe I am," the author replied.  
  
"Well, I've had enough"  
  
"I haven't. In fact, I'm just getting' started!"  
  
  
  
  
Stay tuned to the same crack time, same crack channel, for "Ritsuko Cloned Gum, and I don't care" or "An evening with Relena"  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. The Gundam They Called Junkie

DISCLAIM THIS: If I owned Eva or Gainax, would I be writing this crap at 1 in the morning. REALLY, would I?  
  
  
  
Chapter Three: The Gundam They Called Junkie  
  
"Damn it Misato, drop that stuff," Ritsuko ordered, slapping the wad of chewing gum from a still dazed commander Katsuragi. Misato just blinked trying to hold on to what was left of her sanity.  
  
"Are you okay?" Gendo asked. "Maybe you should go to the infirmary."  
  
"Uh, yeah, maybe you're right," Misato agreed. She and her two passengers were escorted by some Nerv lackeys to the vast underground clinic within Nerv headquarters.  
  
  
"Now, Misato," the Nerv physician began. "There are several possible causes for your condition"  
  
"Like what?" the major asked, knowing the only major reason was the weird concoction she gave the writer, that stuck up little bastard.  
  
"Well, any severe trauma to the head could induce hallucinations," the doc informed Misato. "Have you been struck recently?"  
  
"No," she answered. "Not in the head."  
  
"Ok, have you eaten any British beef?"  
  
"I don't have mad cow disease"  
  
"She does," Shinji spoke up, pointing to Asuka across the room.  
  
"I'll give you a mad cow you uber dumpkoff …" Asuka trailed off, cursing her roommate.  
  
"I can give you something to shut her up, pilot Ikari," the doctor told Shinji.  
  
"I've got something to shut you up, you hack!"  
  
"Anyway, Misato," the doctor continued. "Have you been using any illegal drugs?"  
  
"No, uh, not recently."  
  
"How about any kind of stimulants, uh, or alcohol?" The doctor said Misato's magic word. Her mouth began to water and speech began to slur at the mere mention of it. It would be very hard to get though the next line of questioning.  
  
"Uh, alcohol?" She began to sweat. "Uhm, a little bit..." she slowly spit out. "I, I mean," she began to stutter. "Its not like I'm addicted to beer or something."  
  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" both Shinji and Asuka burst out laughing. "Misato, your liver works harder than the average city-wide sewage intake plant, and the plant probably smells better."  
  
"Hey, this wasn't the usual drunken fantasy," Misato argued. "This was real. There's this guy, this crazy, insane, loony guy, and he is screwing up reality. He has total control, and no one can stop his madness! Run!"  
  
There was a long silence.  
  
"Uh, Misato," the doctor said, in a very comforting voice. "Who is this man?"  
  
"He, well, he looks like…" she trailed off, looking the doctor up and down, trying to find some way to shut him up. Maybe if she pulled on the fingers coming out of his forehead… wait a second. "He's right behind you! He's giving you bunny-ears!"  
  
"Killjoy!" the author said, quite displeased with Misato's lack of vision.  
  
"Misato, there is no one behind me"  
  
"Killjoy? I'll have you know that I'm a party animal, mister!"  
  
"But I thought you said that you didn't drink…"  
  
"Shut up, this doesn't concern you!"  
  
"But.."  
  
"Hey, listen asshole, what the hell are you doing down here, this is a secure area!" Misato barked at the author's psudoform.  
  
"I'm just jerkin' things around a little. Here, chew on this one" There was a pause, and the author was no longer on the scene.  
  
"I'm glad that guy is gone," Misato sighed.  
  
"WHO?!" everyone shouted.  
  
Suddenly the p.a. speaker crackled. "Major, get your tanked ass and the two pilots back to the bridge on the double, we're under attack!"  
  
"Gotta go," Shinji said as the team hopped into the Nerv brand elevator.  
  
  
  
As they waited in the very slow, very cheaply made Nerv brand elevator, Misato said to the young pilots, "Hey, you guys saw that creepy, angry Saiya-Jin dude, didn't you?"  
  
"Yeah, he almost killed us," Asuka acknowledged.  
  
"But we're not gonna tell anyone that," Shinji filled the major in. "I don't wanna look any more crazy then necessary."  
  
The elevator doors slowly opened, then stopped about 3 inches open. They then closed, and stopped, then opened, and closed, and opened, and closed, and closed, and creaked, and finally opened for good. The trio quickly evacuated the lift and entered the bridge.   
  
"Good, you're here," Maya greeted the group. It would seem that everyone was assembled on the bridge. There was Gendo, Ritsuko, the bridge bunnies, Rei, Willie Nelson, Van Morrison, and the entire cast of Cats.   
  
"Where's Kaji?" Misato asked, being the only one that seemed to miss him.  
  
"He is the only one unaccounted for," Rei stated for the group.  
  
"Thanks Rei," Shinji said politely.  
  
"Thank you pilot Ikari," she said, giving him a little smile. This worried Shinji. He got a bad premonition from this.  
  
There was a pause as everyone sat around on their collective asses, waiting for the brigadier general of all playaz, Kaji.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," Kaji said as he barged through the doors.  
  
"Greetings Milliardo," Rei said.  
  
Misato was rudely awoken from her light nap by this. She ran over to Rei and grabbed her by the face, screaming loud enough to make the little girl cry. "What did you just say?! DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!"  
  
"Too late Misato"  
  
"What? Who said that?"  
  
"Ok, everyone's here," Gendo announced, steeping his fingers. "Our arch enemy has mobilized."  
  
"Great, another angel attack," Misato sighed.  
  
"No, OZ is on their way here, they're invading Tokyo-3."  
  
"No," Misato calmly corrected him. "You mean angels are attacking, right."  
  
The loudspeaker crackled again. "Enemy Attack! Enemy Attack! We've got OZ mobile suits approaching on multiple vectors!"  
  
"No!" Misato shouted. "Angels are approaching on multiple vectors!"  
  
Gendo walked up and slapped the major. "Damn it, get a hold of yourself. There are mobile suits attacking, get to your post."  
  
"No, they're angels, or my name isn't Lucrezia Noin! … Oh shit…"  
  
There was yet another uncomfortable pause as everyone in the room sat in wonder that Noin wouldn't follow an order as soon as issued.  
  
"Get to your post!" Treze ordered.  
  
"Right," Noin answered, a little confused. "Heero, quick. Get to your Gundam," Noin said, turning to Shinji.  
  
Shinji sucked in his chest, and said in a very deep voice, "Yes Noin."  
  
"Shut up, baka," Asuka barked at him. "If you're Heero Yuy, I'm Jet Li!"  
  
"Quatre, there is no time for your pointless peace babble now, ready Sandrock."  
  
"Hey," Asuka snapped. "I'm not Quatre."  
  
"Hey, I'm not a girl," Quatre spat.  
  
"Go back to the loveboat, sunshine!"  
  
"Quickly, prep the Gundams!" With that the entire room scattered and everyone made themselves at least look busy. Shinji tried to suck it up and look reasonably like Heero; Asuka pranced around like a fairy, doing a fairly good imitation of Quatre. Treize shined his metals and dreamed of his Mistress Une, and Noin gave the troops a pep talk while checking out Zech's butt.  
  
A great creak rang through the entire Cinq Kingdom as two of the five gundams were launched out into battle. Shinji felt quite proud to be the third ever pilot to control the devastatingly devastating Wing Zero, while Asuka on the other hand felt kind of put out, giving up her beloved Unit 02 for the puny, beat-up original Sandrock.  
  
The collective communication system activated and Rei appeared on the screen. "Heero," she said. "I want you to make me a promise."  
  
Shinji didn't blink. Rei was actually talking, you know, with feeling, like she gave a flying fiddler's dick about something. In her mind, Asuka cursed everything that Rei and Sunrise Anime stood for.   
  
"Promise me you won't forget me when you fight. And promise me you won't harm my brother, Milliardo. Will you do that?"  
  
"Nooooooo!" Asuka screamed.  
  
"This is none of your business, Quatre," Shinji told his roomy.  
  
"Uh, sure I will Relena," he answered.  
  
"Good luck, and good by, Heero!" The intercom switched off.  
  
"Well well Asuka, looks like someone around here has an admirer," Shinji bragged.  
  
"Yeah, just wait until this drug influenced haze settles, then we'll see who gets the greeting cards!" she shot back.  
  
".. uh, WHAT?!"  
  
"Never mind. Wait, I think I see some mobile suits headed this way"  
  
Asuka was indeed correct. There was an entire wing of OZ Aries suits in the air, fairly low altitude, approaching steadily from multiple north bearing vectors. What seemed to be around thirty army Leo suits climbed slowly over the western mountain range, and a couple of those worthless Cancer and Pisces subs where sinking in the bay.  
  
"Hey Asuka, look. We're actually in the Cinq Kingdom," Shinji commented.  
  
A long-range rocket bounced off the armor plating of Sandrock's right knee. "Hey Shinji," Asuka started.  
  
"That's not my name. Tee hee"  
  
"All right you stuck up sunnofa … Heero, do you have any idea how to fly these things?"  
  
"Oh, not a clue. You?"  
  
"Figures."  
  
"Here," Shinji said. His gundam stumbled around like it was even more stoned than the writer, and, slowly but surely, pulled the buster rifle up to eye level and in a single shot destroyed an extremely large handful of OZ suits.   
"How did you do that?" Asuka asked Shinji, amazed he could do anything right on the first try.  
  
"It's simple, just pretend it's Kaji."  
  
"What the hell do you mean?"  
  
"He, he, he. Just grab the stick and have fun."  
  
"Why you dumpkoff, baka, eehh, uuhh, ahhhhhh!" Asuka shouted. "How dare you talk about me and Kaji-kun that way." Sandrock speedily got up and emasculated Wing Zero with one of the heat shortells.   
  
"Ahhh, my boys!" Shinji screamed, feeling no 'real' pain, but his pride was damaged. "My gundaniam gonads are gone!"  
  
"Serves you right," Asuka said, fairly pleased with herself.  
  
"Van, Noooooo!" Hitomi shouted in the same way she does about forty damn times an episode.  
  
"What the fuck?"  
  
It would seem that Hitomi's ever-so annoying catch phrase sparked Wing Zero's inner Escaflowne, as two giant angel wings burst out of its back, creating a suitably suitable Wing Zero Custom suit.  
  
  
"Ok, ok, now this just sucks," she complained. "You get the better suit, Wonderslut on the ground, the buster rifle up here, not to mention more experience handling stick and now you have wings. This whole screwed up situation just sucks!"  
  
"Shut up, ONA!" Wufei screamed into his intercom, his gundam just a few hundred yards from the Sandrock. "You're too weak to fight in this glorious battle."  
  
"I'll show you weak, wu-man."  
  
"Quatre, Wufei, stop this," Noin shouted from the underground control bunker. "Get out your digivices."  
  
"Right," Wufei acknowledged, reaching into his gundam's pocket, taking out a digivice the size of a small Volkswagen.  
  
"Got it," Asuka replied, pulling the digivice out of Sandrock's purse.  
  
There was a loud crash as all reality dissolved into blackness, and weird digital symbols flew across the sky.  
  
"Sandrock!"  
…  
"Shenlong!"  
…  
"DNA Digivolve to …"  
…  
"SHENROCK!"  
BANG, BANG, BOOM … NEW GUNDAM!  
  
"Nice lookin' machine," Shinji told the newborn half-breed.  
  
The nine-story tall robot danced around the Cinq Kingdom, spinning its terribly warped staff in the air like a baton, its blue and yellow paint job glinting in the moonlight like a preschooler's vomit after eating an entire box of Crayola Crayons.   
  
"Ready to go kick some OZ ass all the way down the yellow brick road?" asked the Shenrock.  
  
"Uh, yeah. I mean, I think so," a shaken little Shinji replied.  
  
  
So the battle between good and evil begins. Who will win? What is the Shenrock? Just what the hell is going on? What was in that bowl of crap so rudely ingested by the writer? Who is going to have Jeff's baby, and will it be human, or half boa constrictor like cousin Frank? Will Melanie wake from her coma? Will she remember her secret affair with Pete's brother's cousin's dog Bill? All these answers and more in the next gut-wrenching saga of "Honey, Where the F**K Are My Peanuts?"  



End file.
